Don't you think that it's more of a 'modern' malady ... being so caught up with trying to find or come to terms with our identity? Did generations before even discuss it, and if they attempted to, were they listened to or simply thought of as a bit bonkers? Probably.
Roles and the natural consequence of those roles, were often deeply imbedded, expected, adhered to and accepted. Less complicated and more directive. Stepping out of them would have led to mockery at best, isolation, being ostracised or maybe even punished in some way.
Now I'm certainly not suggesting that those days and ways were right, preferable or acceptable. There were many flaws including ingrained prejudices, injustice and forced servitude. So it’s not a bad idea to be self-assured about who we are and where we are in the world (do I matter?), however I wonder if we have somewhat over complicated things for ourselves. The merging of roles and expectations on and of ourselves have changed monumentally and very rapidly, so it is no wonder that clarification and the seeking of who we really are, grips us all at one point or another.
I venture to suggest that we look to various factors in our lives to add to the melting pot, before stirring it all up and attempting to produce an outcome with the label on of our identity. These could be things like our background, ethnicity, language, gender, education, religion, culture, upbringing, status, wealth, career choice, marital status, sexuality, hobbies, interests, exposure to travel, basic choices / preferences ... the list could go on. Then throw in a few unexpected twists, like bereavement, divorce, single parenting, accident, a diagnosis, an addiction, bankruptcy, false accusation, abuse ... the soup in the pot becomes even more complicated!
There are then other external forces which affect our perception of self and that of our purpose and worth; like social media presence (when did we become so reliant on stratospheric ‘likes’ and why do we need this constant affirmation from others?) ... false imagery and perceived external perfection. We compare ourselves with these images and perceptions which aren’t even real or achievable. The subconscious pressure that our external portrayed image is crucial to our well-being; our likelihood of securing friends; our career progression and status in life is just overpowering and innately damaging. Our outsides have become so much more important than our insides ... no wonder we get confused.
If our source of identity, purpose and self-worth is in the hands of other people, whether they know it or not, then we will continue to be unstable, tossed about, back and forth, with a debilitating sense of unease and insecurity. How can it be anything other than that? The very people we may rely on to affirm and fulfill us, are merely human too, suffering from the same ailments as us ... so how on earth can we expect them to give us anything other than further confusion. It is a false hope. Hope is something everyone needs but cannot be found in anyone or anything other than God who is Himself, hope.
If the trend of the day is to promote the ideology of gender neutrality, the question isn't 'how does this affect me?', but rather 'will I allow this to affect me?' Awareness is one thing, especially if you have children / teenagers being challenged by so many new schools of thought and the forced acceptance of extreme individualism, but there is a need to stand still and remain secure in what we know to be true ... not to be swayed by every 'wind of doctrine' or new thought. Test it against God's truth.
Our roles play into our identity too, and how we perform within them. These change as our life progresses … from daughter, to friend, to wife, to mother, to auntie, to grandmother … from student, to graduate, to trainee, to manager, to director … from shared rented accommodation to homeowner to homeless … from having debt to being wealthy, and then maybe loosing it all and starting again! All of these hugely impact our sense of identity and self-worth within the communities and societies we find ourselves. Parenthood for example, can dominate for a few years, leaving us feeling we have no identity outside of our children; yet our children are often a reflection of who we are, so it’s crucial to their wellbeing that we are assured of who we are!
Just remember one thing here, that a role should not be confused with significance and worth. The consistency of our character and what that is founded on, should be visible throughout every role and stage of our lives.
I am saying this from the viewpoint of having been there, and sometimes still going there. I am from a privileged enough, christian, farming background and tried my hardest to do everything 'right' ... that was, 'right' from the perspective of what I thought others expected from me. I lived according to that rule, hoping to please, be accepted and fulfil a good, christian, happy life. Little did I know that although filtering my thoughts and actions through others for whom I lived, I was unaware that I even had a voice. I lived abroad and have travelled a good bit, enjoyed many amazing experiences, yet still it all caught up with me and things began to unravel. Rather than take your time sharing the detail (a lot of which is not pleasant), I will bring you to the here and now which is me being me ... a lone parent to a 5yr old boy and 3yr old twins, a girl and a boy. I've been through separation and then divorce, other relationships and another separation to the children's father to whom I was not married. As you will imagine, in there are many other stories, struggles and survivals.
Our journeys are different but each one of us has a heart and a mind ... it is how we use them to press on that will forge a change, hopefully a positive one, for our future and our children's futures. How do we learn from our pasts? To dwell in them is often unhealthy, yet to glance back to regain forward focus can be necessary. We may notice scars but see that they are a sign of healing and learning ... we acknowledge them with respect and press on. We may feel as though we are insignificant but let me remind you that no one has ever been created like you before, nor ever will be. You are absolutely unique and designed for a purpose that only you can fulfil. We may all have the same essential ingredients within our human makeup, but on top of that we have intricately designed specifications for our unique DNA ... the real me, the real you.
What we need is a solid foundation, a true source to base our identity on and in, from which we can face all the uncertainties of life. Curveballs will come, suffering is guaranteed at some point or another, but if we are assured of who we are and why we’re here, their negative presence will be manageable and will certainly not undermine our own deep-seated sense of purpose and position.
So how do we find this wonderful, assured foundation to life? Well, that's easy for me to answer but it’s not always what people want to hear, and of course it’s then an individual choice as to whether you want to pursue it. You see it’s not a product, it’s a person. Jesus Christ. To look to God’s word the Bible, and to His son Jesus Christ for my true perspective, enables me to see both myself and the world, through His lens. Having been redeemed and now a child of God, I know from the Bible that I am forgiven, accepted, unconditionally loved, have a purpose unique to me, am the only one who could be me and fulfil my purpose, and that nothing can ever change these remarkable truths!
To me, it is less about what is in that big 'pot', but more about who is controlling the spoon or ladle ... who is ultimately in control of your life? Sure, there are a lot of self-help guides out there, counsellors (I've had wonderful help from some), mediators, courses, support groups, you name it ... but I know that in my own story, to have a foundation based on something solid with deep roots, is the best platform for recovery. Get that right first and then all the other help will make more sense, and the progression to an acceptance of self will rapidly come to fruition. For me, the foundation to my identity has to be my faith in God and my certainty of His love for me ... unconditional and eternal. Nothing I can do or not do, can change that ... it's a secure, faithful, just and safe love.
If I can begin to see myself as God sees me, then the lens through which I view my life, my roles, my purpose and significance will all have the correct perspective. There will be far less need to debate, challenge and cross examine my feelings associated with being battered by every change, new ideology or conflict ... I will remain secure. Of course changes and conflict will still come, but I will be stronger and more assured of my own position within my circumstances, rather than my circumstances dictating my fragile sense of identity and thus damaging my secure platform. It's positional and relational ... perspective and truth are key. Speak truth to yourself, God's truth, and channel your perspective through the lens of God and all else will right itself in time (plus with continuous effort and awareness!).
So ... living through a pandemic and all that it has brought both me and you, I now ask myself, has it changed my identity? Let's face it, roles will have changed, maybe financial circumstances will have been affected, relationships forged or severed, mental health implications faced, challenging choices made, exhaustion levels rocketed to unsustainable heights ... who am I now? The amazing answer to that, is that God is still God and He holds me just as He has always done ... He is and can be a refuge (Psalm 46v1), a strong tower, a rock, a fortress ... but He is also the God of all Comfort (2 Cor 1v3) and He holds me in the palm of His hand, so I need not be afraid. Hebrews 13v8 says "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today and forever".
My identity is in Christ ... and I am a 46yr old woman who does not work at the moment but is a mother to 3 children; I am a daughter; an auntie; a sister; a cousin; a friend; a neighbour; a volunteer; someone with a vision for the future to fulfil a work that only I can do. I would like to own some bluebell woods; I love to see trees and hear birds; I will hopefully always have a dog and be surrounded by family and friends. I need to work on patience and self-discipline. I need to look after my body more and yet be less concerned about my external appearance and more focused on my inward self.
I am so often broken and I have a marred past, however if I remember to look in the mirror and see what God chose to specifically create, then I will know that for all my brokenness, God sees me as more beautiful because of it. I have been repaired and redeemed by Him. The more I focus on God through His word, the more I will reflect His image. I see the evidence of God throughout my life, scars and all ... if the rest of my life can reflect His image, then my identity will be exactly what it should be. As Greg Morse said "Be the version of you that Jesus died to create". I am a city on a hill, a light which cannot be hidden (Matt 5v14) ... I hope that my life and identity live out this great truth. I will be thankful.
This self-assurance is a beautiful outward display of the working of God’s love on the inside ... now that’s the right way round. My external physical image; societal standing; property portfolio or anything else which has a human ‘wow’ factor (all of which could dramatically change, even disappear within a day), cannot and do not truly inform you of who I am. Who I am should be visible from my insides out ...an unshakable, consistent, inner confidence based on the solid truth of God’s love and His word.
Ingrid x
(Apologies that this is such a long piece).
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