But I’m afraid the similarities to the song end there, because the difference isn’t you 😆! In fact I’m not sure at all what the difference is. I’m not spiritual enough to spout that the difference today is that I relied on God more or prayed more … life is tricky huh?
So I’m writing this at just gone 9pm on Saturday evening (24th July) and am in a vastly different state to last night. Honestly, it was rough. I can only put it down to too much on the mind and not enough rest and sleep (the two being different entities I think … for example if I am literally on my feet all day rather than sitting down at times, that constitutes very little rest!).
I’m very ashamed to tell you how mean I was in my lack of patience toward my children and I responded to their carryings on in entirely the wrong way … no positive parenting present that’s for sure. Of course they got to bed in the end and were absolutely fine, but I wasn’t. After getting them into bed, I curled up on my own and wept. The sort of crying that leaves you breathless and almost suffocated. The desire for some sort of physical pain to make sense and give a ‘proper’ reason for the internal anguish. It happens (thankfully not that often these days).
I was sorry for my wrong handling of the evening and my own ugly character … oh the fickleness of the human heart … one minute trying to be more Christ like and learn more about God and the next?.. the polar opposite to anything resembling grace, mercy, long suffering and tenderness. It makes me bow my head in shame.
Move on 24 hours and the scene is a stark contrast. Calm, contentment, patience and kindness … a good story time, prayers and a song. I’ve done the necessary jobs and got organised for going away tomorrow for a couple of nights … the home is peaceful including my insides. Why? I really don’t know but I’m glad for today and this evening! I’m still very tired and hoping for a good night … my body aches from doing so much and I have some tough things to sort out which are really very important and tricky to deal with.
What I do know and can share, is that both last night and tonight I talk with God … I tell him how I feel and what I’m struggling with … where I really need his help and ask if he can take the situation into his hands and sort it out. I confess my vulnerabilities and weaknesses … I apologise for my humanness and I pray for my children. He know and he cares. He can lift me up when I am weak and can give me strength to continue. Thinking about it as I type, it most likely is the fact that God has given me some peace about the tricky situation which has then in turn enabled me to be less stressed about it today. I suppose I did cast all my cares upon him last night when I was sobbing in agony … I shouldn’t be surprised that he has raised me up today to walk freely and with a lightness because he has lifted the burden of guilt, concern and exhaustion.
I always love quoting this verse in my mind and speaking the truth of it to myself … I lift my eyes up to the hills, from whence cometh my help … my help comes from the Lord, the creator of heaven and earth (Psalm 121). Despite having to still respond and address the pressing issues of the tricky situation I have (it’s probably not profitable to go into detail), I do feel as though I can rise above it and trust God in the detail … he is above all and in all, so he has got this. He cares for me and he cares for my children, so he will endeavour to intervene for what is right, just and true. I can’t ask for more than that. He is ahead of me already, sorting out the detail. How wonderful!
Now to deal with the tricky message and then to bed 💤.
Ingrid x
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