So like most of you, I have had moments of utter despair when the feeling of abandonment is coated with layers of anguish and internal agony. I have known times of terror when driving my 3 children home and being so overcome, that I am almost sensing suffocation at trying to hold it in; reply to them without giving away the fact that I’m crying; and concentrate on the road. Emotional and psychological pain can feel internally (but externally visible of course) debilitating … it is like your insides are being twisted so that your very breath is crushed out of you … there is an oppressive weight and a willingness to just disappear.
Where is God in this? Is he aware at that very moment of my feelings and my need for help? In my despair as I call to him for help, does he answer and do I get the help? It certainly doesn’t usually seem as though he does and in fact things can sometimes get worse!
I get all the usual verses … cast all your care upon him for he cares for you; come to me you who are weary and I will give you rest … my burden is light; ask and it shall be given to you; be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks … and many more. I’m not belittling them or dismissing them, they are God’s word so they are true, but in our human emotional state, they just sometimes don’t seem to feel true. I confess that I am constantly having to pull myself up on being ruled by my feelings as opposed to what is true. Yes my feelings can be the truth, but the truth should be the primary driver to my thoughts, decisions and reactions to circumstances and attacks, not my feelings … they have their place but it is after speaking truth.
Where best to find this truth? God’s word … can’t really go wrong there! So God may not give us more than we can bear, but we cannot bear anything without Christ and it is his burden that is light … and he promises to carry our load. He’s actually in it with us, right there. So as I’m driving and crying or alone and convulsed with despair or confused at an outcome which is truly unjust, Christ is experiencing it with me?! That thought still seems baffling to me, but it’s much more acceptable and wonderful to me than him not being there at all!
As a member of the human race, I’m as susceptible as anyone else to any ailment, accident or attack … we all know that. We need to keep it real. I find amazing comfort in the psalms, David is just such a star at making me feel (there I go again) great reassurance as to my failings and falterings alongside God’s faithfulness. Some of his descriptions when being in abject misery are truly helpful. He can go from despairing cry’s wondering where God is, to describing in detail his fragile case and his enemies … the false accusation and constant hounding, even neutral civilians giving away his location to the enemy … basically being pretty mad and sad … to the acknowledgment of who God is. (Look at psalm 54 for example).
It is this flick of the thought process from present circumstances and feelings (both of which are valid and very real), to the undisputed awesome person of God that enables him to begin to release the whole of his situation into higher hands. This in turn leads to rest, peace and more importantly, worship. Even though his immediate circumstances hadn’t changed, his perception of them had … his shift in focus upward to almighty God led him to accept that God was way ahead of him and had it all sorted out. God would avenge and bring justice, therefore David could sacrifice and worship in thankfulness that the job had already been done, so convinced was he that God was with him and would both care and provide for him. It was not necessarily his place to meet out vengeance on his enemies, he could leave that with God, however what is interesting is that he was quite vocal about condemning his enemies and asking God to destroy them, annihilate them in fact.
I don’t think God expects us to go about being trodden down without a voice or call for justice and neither does he instruct us to take matters into our own hands, but what he does desire is our hearts cry to him … yes shout and cry; express rage at injustice; name those who have wronged you; confess your own failings; ask God where he is; tell him your hearts cry and concern … but know this for sure because it is what he says so many times in the Bible, He is there … He knows … He cares and He actually understands … it hurts him too.
I’d better stop as I’ve gone on long enough, but I’ll finish with this thought that keeps coming to me … If God loves me enough to have sent his only son to die for me, then he’s hardly going to ignore my cries for help … he’s not going to opt out of helping me in my life or dismiss my daily concerns … they’re all of vital importance to him. His son’s blood was spilt for me and my children, so every tear that falls is precious and known to him. It makes me shake my head in wonder and frustrates me that I cannot grasp it more or comprehend it’s worth throughout every moment of my life.
Ingrid x
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