It’s been a while. It would be rather British to apologise but I won’t. Why? Not because I’m being rude but because I have simply struggled. Struggled with what you may consider ‘normal’ things like time, energy and concentration but also with understanding where God is sometimes … not where he is generally as he is everywhere, but rather where he is in my life or where I am in his great scheme, if anywhere at all.
Personally I am exhausted. I used to write my blog in the evening quite easily but these days I can’t even find words. Yes it looks like I have long covid but that’s not just it. The build up to Christmas was hard; the court hearing I had was hard; the adjustments in the new year were and are hard; managing the basics every day are harder than they were; budgeting is hard … life can be hard. It’s not a comparison or complaint, it’s reality and I know you’ll be able to relate to it in your own lives.
Recall the song ‘through the fire’: “he never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered a victory without fighting, but he said help would always come in time. Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says give in, just hold on, our lord will show up! and he will take you through the fire again”.
After the court hearing I was cross with God and very confused. I felt abandoned and slapped in the face. I didn’t understand; it didn’t make sense and it didn’t seem to me what was right or just. The consequences made my life harder and I struggled with what I saw was the wrong outcome for my children. I had sought God’s peace beforehand and rested in his presence and care … I expected a different outcome.
Was God there or had he forgotten to show up in time? Was I and were my children not the priority at the time because there were more pressing concerns in the universe (of course there were!)? How to find and sense God during deep confusion; grief and unexpected curveballs is a life long lesson in patiently getting to know him better I think. I’m going to explore it more as I ramble on over the next few posts mainly because it’ll help me to write it out and talk it through. I do believe however, that God is very much present during every moment of our lives despite the set-backs and sadnesses we’re all so acutely affected by. We all know we’re not immune to the trials of life but my own personal struggle is more around desperately trying to do the right thing and make the right decision with the right motives but being thrown off course and turned around … like that slap in the face. It’s not easy to rise and step forward when you have no idea what the next right step is anymore!
I was low in spirit, sad, confused, cross, spent, at the point of giving in and guess what? …. I don’t have any magic solution or upbeat quip to pass on … no super spiritual advice or verse … just the reality of humanity … weeping did endure for a night or two but joy didn’t come in the morning just like that (I know that verse is lovely but to take it literally as though joy pops up the next morning can be rather disillusioning!). Acceptance and joy, deep joy founded in Christ despite circumstances can take time, endurance and perseverance.
More anon.
Ingrid x
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