Continuance … (2)

I’m in bed and will try to ramble on a bit more.

So like most of you, I have had moments of utter despair when the feeling of abandonment is coated with layers of anguish and internal agony. I have known times of terror when driving my 3 children home and being so overcome, that I am almost sensing suffocation at trying to hold it in; reply to them without giving away the fact that I’m crying; and concentrate on the road. Emotional and psychological pain can feel internally (but externally visible of course) debilitating … it is like your insides are being twisted so that your very breath is crushed out of you … there is an oppressive weight and a willingness to just disappear.

Where is God in this? Is he aware at that very moment of my feelings and my need for help? In my despair as I call to him for help, does he answer and do I get the help? It certainly doesn’t usually seem as though he does and in fact things can sometimes get worse!

I get all the usual verses … cast all your care upon him for he cares for you; come to me you who are weary and I will give you rest … my burden is light; ask and it shall be given to you; be anxious for nothing but in everything give thanks … and many more. I’m not belittling them or dismissing them, they are God’s word so they are true, but in our human emotional state, they just sometimes don’t seem to feel true. I confess that I am constantly having to pull myself up on being ruled by my feelings as opposed to what is true. Yes my feelings can be the truth, but the truth should be the primary driver to my thoughts, decisions and reactions to circumstances and attacks, not my feelings … they have their place but it is after speaking truth.

Where best to find this truth? God’s word … can’t really go wrong there! So God may not give us more than we can bear, but we cannot bear anything without Christ and it is his burden that is light … and he promises to carry our load. He’s actually in it with us, right there. So as I’m driving and crying or alone and convulsed with despair or confused at an outcome which is truly unjust, Christ is experiencing it with me?! That thought still seems baffling to me, but it’s much more acceptable and wonderful to me than him not being there at all!

As a member of the human race, I’m as susceptible as anyone else to any ailment, accident or attack … we all know that. We need to keep it real. I find amazing comfort in the psalms, David is just such a star at making me feel (there I go again) great reassurance as to my failings and falterings alongside God’s faithfulness. Some of his descriptions when being in abject misery are truly helpful. He can go from despairing cry’s wondering where God is, to describing in detail his fragile case and his enemies … the false accusation and constant hounding, even neutral civilians giving away his location to the enemy … basically being pretty mad and sad … to the acknowledgment of who God is. (Look at psalm 54 for example). 

It is this flick of the thought process from present circumstances and feelings (both of which are valid and very real), to the undisputed awesome person of God that enables him to begin to release the whole of his situation into higher hands. This in turn leads to rest, peace and more importantly, worship. Even though his immediate circumstances hadn’t changed, his perception of them had … his shift in focus upward to almighty God led him to accept that God was way ahead of him and had it all sorted out. God would avenge and bring justice, therefore David could sacrifice and worship in thankfulness that the job had already been done, so convinced was he that God was with him and would both care and provide for him. It was not necessarily his place to meet out vengeance on his enemies, he could leave that with God, however what is interesting is that he was quite vocal about condemning his enemies and asking God to destroy them, annihilate them in fact.

I don’t think God expects us to go about being trodden down without a voice or call for justice and neither does he instruct us to take matters into our own hands, but what he does desire is our hearts cry to him … yes shout and cry; express rage at injustice; name those who have wronged you; confess your own failings; ask God where he is; tell him your hearts cry and concern … but know this for sure because it is what he says so many times in the Bible, He is there … He knows … He cares and He actually understands … it hurts him too.

I’d better stop as I’ve gone on long enough, but I’ll finish with this thought that keeps coming to me … If God loves me enough to have sent his only son to die for me, then he’s hardly going to ignore my cries for help … he’s not going to opt out of helping me in my life or dismiss my daily concerns … they’re all of vital importance to him. His son’s blood was spilt for me and my children, so every tear that falls is precious and known to him. It makes me shake my head in wonder and frustrates me that I cannot grasp it more or comprehend it’s worth throughout every moment of my life.

Ingrid x

Hello again … (1)

It’s been a while. It would be rather British to apologise but I won’t. Why? Not because I’m being rude but because I have simply struggled. Struggled with what you may consider ‘normal’ things like time, energy and concentration but also with understanding where God is sometimes … not where he is generally as he is everywhere, but rather where he is in my life or where I am in his great scheme, if anywhere at all.

Personally I am exhausted. I used to write my blog in the evening quite easily but these days I can’t even find words. Yes it looks like I have long covid but that’s not just it. The build up to Christmas was hard; the court hearing I had was hard; the adjustments in the new year were and are hard; managing the basics every day are harder than they were; budgeting is hard … life can be hard. It’s not a comparison or complaint, it’s reality and I know you’ll be able to relate to it in your own lives.

Recall the song ‘through the fire’: “he never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered a victory without fighting, but he said help would always come in time. Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says give in, just hold on, our lord will show up! and he will take you through the fire again”.

After the court hearing I was cross with God and very confused. I felt abandoned and slapped in the face. I didn’t understand; it didn’t make sense and it didn’t seem to me what was right or just. The consequences made my life harder and I struggled with what I saw was the wrong outcome for my children. I had sought God’s peace beforehand and rested in his presence and care … I expected a different outcome.

Was God there or had he forgotten to show up in time? Was I and were my children not the priority at the time because there were more pressing concerns in the universe (of course there were!)? How to find and sense God during deep confusion; grief and unexpected curveballs is a life long lesson in patiently getting to know him better I think. I’m going to explore it more as I ramble on over the next few posts mainly because it’ll help me to write it out and talk it through. I do believe however, that God is very much present during every moment of our lives despite the set-backs and sadnesses we’re all so acutely affected by. We all know we’re not immune to the trials of life but my own personal struggle is more around desperately trying to do the right thing and make the right decision with the right motives but being thrown off course and turned around … like that slap in the face. It’s not easy to rise and step forward when you have no idea what the next right step is anymore!

I was low in spirit, sad, confused, cross, spent, at the point of giving in and guess what? …. I don’t have any magic solution or upbeat quip to pass on … no super spiritual advice or verse … just the reality of humanity … weeping did endure for a night or two but joy didn’t come in the morning just like that (I know that verse is lovely but to take it literally as though joy pops up the next morning can be rather disillusioning!). Acceptance and joy, deep joy founded in Christ despite circumstances can take time, endurance and perseverance.

More anon.

Ingrid x

Happy New Year

Taken from ‘Bringing us to Glory’ David Gooding.

I wish I felt better than I do, despite having so much to be thankful for. When I rise in the morning it will simply be the gift of another day but with a different year number. I hope and pray that I trust God more no matter whether I understand his ways. We may have troubles again this coming year, but we have a God who has overcome the world. “This is what the Lord says, he who created you … do not fear for I have redeemed you … when you pass through the waters I will be with you … when you walk through the fire you will not be burned … for I am the Lord your God … you are precious  … in my sight and … I love you … I am doing a new thing … I am making a way”. Isaiah 43He is the same God, the provider of peace and the source of all hope no matter what year we’re in!Happy New Year to you allIngrid x

 

Carols

I was struck by some of the words from our well known carols this year during a carol service. I decided to pick some out to share, along with the words from Isaiah 11. I hope you enjoy them.

“Out of the stump of David’s family will grow a shoot—yes, a new Branch bearing fruit from the old root.
And the Spirit of the Lord will rest on him—the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.
He will delight in obeying the Lord. He will not judge by appearance nor make a decision based on hearsay.
He will give justice to the poor and make fair decisions for the exploited. The earth will shake at the force of his word, and one breath from his mouth will destroy the wicked.
He will wear righteousness like a belt and truth like an undergarment.
In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion,and a little child will lead them all.
The cow will graze near the bear. The cub and the calf will lie down together.The lion will eat hay like a cow. The baby will play safely near the hole of a cobra. Yes, a little child will put its hand in a nest of deadly snakes without harm.
Nothing will hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain, for as the waters fill the sea,so the earth will be filled with people who know the Lord. In that day the heir to David’s throne will be a banner of salvation to all the world.
The nations will rally to him, and the land where he lives will be a glorious place”.

He came down to earth from heaven who is God and Lord of all, and his shelter was a stable and his cradle was a stall ... and our eyes at last shall see him, through his own redeeming love, for that child so dear and gentle, is our Lord in heaven above. O morning stars together, proclaim the holy birth ... how silently the wondrous gift is given. So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of his heaven. Angels from the realms of glory, ye who sang creations story now proclaim Messiah's birth ... God with us is now residing ... Come and worship Christ, the new-born King. 

... Men of old did the guiding star behold, ... with joy they hailed its light ... so, most gracious God, may we evermore be led to thee ... with joyful steps they sped, to that lowly manger-bed, there to bend the knee before Him whom heaven and earth adore, so may we with willing feet ever seek thy mercy-seat. In the heavenly country bright need they no created light; thou its light, its joy, its crown, show its sun which goes not down; there for ever may we sing Alleluias to our King. Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled ... Christ the everlasting Lord, veiled in flesh the Godhead see, hail the incarnate Deity! Light and life to all he brings. O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord!

May the joy of the angels, the eagerness of the shepherds, the perseverance of the wise men, the faith and courage of Mary and Joseph, and the incomprehensible peace of the Christ child fill you and remain with you during this Christmas time and into the New Year. 

Ingrid x 🎄

A couple of songs for the season 🎄

Go tell it on the mountain ~ Zach Williams:

https://youtu.be/mXBzrutelZA

Peace on earth ~ Austin French:

https://youtu.be/YMNAdta9wTo

Ingrid x

A Poem ...

 A poem by Catherine Masterman:

“Joy to the world”, sang the angels that night;

“Peace to all men”. And the skies shone with light.

But whatever came of that heavenly pledge?

For just here and now life seems right on the edge.

Where was the peace when to Egypt they fled?

What joy could there be as the babies lay dead?

Slain by the word of a paranoid king;

Witnessed by those who had heard angels sing.

I wonder if stories of thousands of years,

Of people and families, their joy and their tears,

Are enough for the message we can’t get it right;

For nothing and everything causes a fight.

We’re faced with two choices: Is this all that’s there?

Is it just down to us to decide if we care?

To do what we can for world, family and friends

And accept when it’s over that that’s where it ends.

Or….did the angels sing?

Did they point to a hope that lies deep in our soul,

That everything matters; we’re part of a whole.

We’re held by a love that is vast and immense,

Even when what we’re going through doesn’t make sense.

If true joy and peace isn’t ours straightaway,

They gave heaven’s pledge that it will be one day.

Their song was a promise that broke through the fear,

Proclaiming to shepherds that God was so near.

So near at his birth, through his life and his death,

Sharing our suffering, until his last breath.

And then when he rose on that first Easter Day,

His body was new, all the pain gone away.

He promised He’s with us still, though we can’t see.

And through Him we glimpse how things one day will be.

A new world: creation, restored to its soul.

All brokenness banished; just perfect and whole.

Now it is messy, of that there’s no doubt.

Love and peace whisper: Hate has a shout.

But even in darkness, His hope can shine through,

Kindness and love can show faith to be true.

We might feel connections that can’t be explained;

Love that forgives, though impossibly strained,

Friendship persisting whatever the cost,

All echo His love for the broken and lost.

So join with the angels, and sing out their song,

Peace still eludes us but they were not wrong.

The hope of the world came to earth Christmas night.

He asks us to trust Him, and follow His light.”

Ingrid x

A Busy Season

🎄Hello lovely people, I have been absent although I'm not too sure you will have missed my ramblings that much! Yes I have had Covid and it's just been a busy term ... 'chasing my tail' (and never catching it) comes to mind. 

I also note that during this time I have lapsed in my more active daily chats with God and my dependence on Him. Not that I have deliberately done this or have any doubts about my faith ... but sometimes it subtly just happens doesn't it? It's all about time and energy. It's very easy to slip into just a little bit less discipline with reading good stuff (esp the Bible), praying and listening to good music. Those around may not even notice the difference but before long other things crowd in and what was a good habit in daily spiritual discipline can fly out of the window big time ... it will become noticeable!

I'm thankful to say that I've been conscious of it (eventually) and concerned enough to want to pull my spiritual socks up and sort myself out ... well actually the truth be told, I can't sort myself out as that's the whole point ... left to my own devices and strength, I fail and lapse, case in point. So, it's about my focus and mind then priorities each day. I need to rely on God's help with this but allow His help. Every christian / saint will experience times of despair and distance, it comes with the territory of being human ... read the Psalms, they're full of inner turmoil but they are also full of overcoming ... crawling out of the churning darkness and back into the sunlight. I'm so thankful for the certainty that light always dispels the dark.

Yes it's a busy time but the busier I get, the more impatient and grouchy I get ... how is that nice or helpful as we approach Christmas?! So ... I need stillness and quiet times, even if it's just a few minutes every now and then. Just to re-set and re-foucs my mind on what is good and loving. I don't want my children to get so caught up in the chaos of the festivities that they loose out on the 'real magic' of Christmas; the real meaning and amazement of that journey which took a young woman and man with their donkey along the dusty roads to a Bethlehem stable. How courageous they both were; how trusting and faithful in and to their God .. God who allowed Himself to become human; to experience the fragility of birth and total physical dependence on a fallen human whom He had created! Mary must have had such a special heart for her to have been entrusted with such a high calling ... she caressed and fondly kissed the son of God as her own baby boy. On this miracle sits all the hope and salvation of mankind and creation!

In preparation for home group this week, I started to read the chapter of the book we're looking at (Music of Eternity by Robyn Wrigley-Carr) and was immediately challenged and struck by some of the words. I'll share them here:

"Advent is a season of waiting, expectancy and hope ... it's a time to cultivate an inner stillness ... our need for silence is paramount. Without silence around us, the inward stillness in which God educates and moulds us is impossible. Remember, silence is more than non-talking. It's a complete change in the way we use our minds. We lead very active lives. Our mental machinery is made so the more active our work ... Yet nothing so improves that active work as such quietude, the sense of Eternity and restful reception of the Holy Spirit ... Only in such silence can we look out of our workshop window and see the horizons of the spiritual world. (We need to) recover our spiritual poise ... to wait on the Lord and renew our strength - not for our own sakes but for the sake of the world. 'In the beginning was the Word' - God's self-expression ... look at Christ again, for the contemplation of Christ is the first part of Christianity".

The Eternal One says: "In returning and rest, you will be saved. In quietness and trust you will find strength" (Isaiah 30v15). Let us be quietly confident and trust the one who flung stars into space but we rejected, so rather than give up on us He did the only thing that could be done to secure a perfect redemptive plan ... He came to earth as a dependent baby; He lived a perfect life; He died as the perfect substitute for us ... just so that we could be with Him for eternity! What love! What an amazing, miraculous relationship ... let's celebrate it thoughtfully; in moments of stillness yet with hearts full of wonder, awe and enough love to share abundantly.

Psalm 42v5: “I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again, my Saviour and my God”.

Seasons greetings 

Ingrid x