Midweek Thought ~ What should love look like? (The absence of abuse)

I'm hesitant writing about this subject partly because it's very close to my heart and also in case I become too jumbled and unhelpful. I write sincerely and prayerfully, out of concern and love.

Where do we believe love comes from? I believe that the pure and holy origins of love come from God ... the God of love ... unfailing, steadfast, everlasting love. In the New Testament there are many reprimands to those who have left this love or do not live it out. Of course these people probably loved their families and friends a lot, yet they did not have God's love, peace and justice in their hearts, therefore could not live it out and show it to others.

So, there must be different standards and types of love. We know this to be true of course as we'll all have experienced these or some of them during our lives. Most would agree to the four main types of love: 

• Eros ~ romantic; sensual
• Storge ~ familial 
• Philia ~ friendship bonds
• Agape ~ God's divine love for all humans

Agape love is the highest form of love. Why? Because it is divine, unconditional, immeasurable, incomparable, sacrificial and pure. It would be disappointing and futile if you were to expect this love from another human ... elements of it could be seen and known, but the ultimate agape love will only ever be found in God himself and his son Jesus Christ. After all, he did sacrifice himself for us, when we didn't even want what he was offering to us ... we were his enemies. Amazing love. The mind boggles, but as long as the heart can accept it and cherish the fact that God's love embraces me, I am safe and secure for eternity.

One thing however, that no form or type of love should include, is abuse. Never. Thankfully it is impossible for it to exist in God's love.

SCIE (the social care institute for excellence) refer to 10 types of abuse (in conjunction with the care & support statutory guidance). Types of abuse now outnumber types of love. How sad. They are:

1. Physical abuse
2. Domestic violence or abuse
3. Sexual abuse
4. Psychological or emotional abuse
5. Financial or material abuse
6. Modern slavery
7. Discriminatory abuse
8. Organisational or institutional abuse
9. Neglect or acts of omission
10. Self-neglect

Anyone can be the subject of abuse, it does not discriminate. The perpetrator may not always be aware that they are in fact being abusive. Upbringing, teaching, social values, culture, religion, inbred discrimination can all be massive factors. Someone could be abused because of their vulnerabilities, including children. Most abuse happens by someone who is a close relative and maybe even in a very close relationship with their victim. Statistics like 1 in 3 women around the world will have been abused in her lifetime, need to change.

God hates abuse. God is for the oppressed ... He fights for them and will be the ultimate judge, ruling with justice and peace. The Bible is full of God's promises to uplift the weary, to aid the oppressed and to encourage those who are suffering to rest in the truth that His love and justice will prevail. How comforting.

So if within a christian marriage (or any relationship), any form of abuse is taking place, it is wrong and is not God's way of loving. It is not what he ordained marriage to be. As with any crime, it should be dealt with and not covered up or ignored ... it may be uncomfortable and awkward, especially if the abuser is known to others as the model citizen or even someone who takes a leading role in a church. 

Local churches need to become more aware of the signs and have an open door for anyone to share a concern. Pathways, safely put in place, should be governed by safeguarding principles with designated, trained individuals to help and advise. This is a bigger issue than any of us may want to imagine. Marriage is sacred, but someone who abuses their spouse within it, has broken the marriage bond. Abuse cannot be tolerated. In fact, to allow it to continue, is dishonoring to God and is misrepresenting his love to those around us. We should be the loudest voice against abuse with the tenderest of hearts for those adversely affected.

I would like to promote an amazing organisation that I have only recently come across and would ask you to take a look and reach out for resources to help your own local church to gain a greater understanding and awareness of the issue, so that you can help someone who may be suffering in silence ... scared to come forward because of the perceived shame; the thought of not being believed; the consequences of rejection and much more.

https://www.restored-uk.org

'Restored' are working away in a professional, informed way to help both churches and survivors of abuse. They have digital downloads and training available. This is what they say: "Throughout history the Church has been a catalyst for change, a voice for the marginalised and hope for the oppressed. We believe that the Church is the hope of the world and should be taking the lead in challenging injustice wherever it is found. We work to equip the Church to end domestic abuse and bring dignity and fresh hope to survivors".

It's often so easy to interpret passages of scripture to mean what we want them to say, but please do not every compromise the truth that God is love and that we must love as he has loved and commanded us. We are all made in the image of God and are highly valued by him ... equal, precious, worthwhile. God made us to enjoy liberty ... liberty to do good and not evil; to love and not hate; to uplift and not put down; to celebrate our uniqueness and differences and not to dominate or control.

Let's all check our attitudes and the way we love ... deep down, and how we show it. Take a leaf out of Jesus's life and teachings, and esteem others better than yourself. We're all sinners and God's grace is sufficient for all of us ... it's not about pride but about the security to be free to be who God made us to be. We should be celebrated by our spouse, never condemned, belittled, controlled or have any other abusive behaviour or language, whether physical or emotional, in our lives.

Strong words I know and I won't apologise ... I know I haven't quoted verses here but I have been thoroughly reading and going over these things. I can happily expound more and bring in verses another time.

Here's how to be ... "walk in a manner worthy ... with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace" (Eph 4v1-3).

We can forgive and be at peace to live in liberty, without abuse.

With love

Ingrid x